Talking EQ

happy friday!

today i want to talk about emotions, specifically emotional intelligence (EQ). in my view I feel EQ gets comparatively less attention gets compared to IQ and while it is essentially to consider, it doesn’t come up as frequently as I’d expect across conversations, schools, or even self-improvement efforts.

none of what I discuss below will be ground-breaking, but rather setting a foundation and basics for more expanded thoughts later.

iq vs. eq

IQ is a rather well-defined concept designed to measure specific cognitive abilities such as problem-solving, spatial reasoning, working memory, and processing speed. EQ is relatively less rigorously defined in research but in my view has equal importance.

I define EQ more or less as the standard definition: the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions as well as others' to solve problems and achieve positive outcomes for yourself and the group.

high eq vs. low eq

one way to start becoming acquainted with EQ is by contrasting examples of high and low EQ.

high EQ traits: ambitious, warm, decisive, sociable, consistent, empathetic, a good listener
low EQ traits: bossy, selfish, impulsive, critical, resistant to change

why don’t we talk about eq?

despite very fundamental to human experience I feel EQ is more often gleaned over, and additionally how it is tackled, say in improving workplace community and productivity, hasn’t really resonated with me. example: any training or seminar to help employees ultimately cultivate EQ I don’t believe ever works, or if so, VERY rarely. But if I had to speculate:

1. Lack of Awareness: People may not fully understand what EQ entails or how it impacts their lives.

2. Measurement Challenges: Unlike IQ tests rooted in decades of research, there isn’t a universally accepted or rigorous way to measure EQ.

3. Cultural Priorities: Conversations around emotions and emotional development are often overlooked in schools and public discourse compared to intellectual achievements.

This lack of emphasis is surprising given that EQ is arguably as important—if not more so—in many contexts. Cultivating emotional intelligence can improve relationships, enhance leadership skills, and foster personal growth.

breaking down eq, first level

one way to think about EQ is through the 10 skills outlined in rochemartin’s emotional capital report, a test one can purchase to measure EQ, typically in a work/productive environment, and it doesn’t look too bad:

• self-knowing

• self-confidence

• self-reliance

• self-actualization

• straightforwardness

• relationship skills

• empathy

• self-control

• adaptability

• optimism

these skills are ranked from “needs improvement” to “signature strength.” while this report focuses on professional performance, it’s a good framework to start with for understanding and improving your own emotional intelligence.

eq vs iq: sex differences

this always comes up when talking about EQ or IQ: are there differences between sexes (men and women)? objective research:

EQ: on average, women score higher than men on emotional intelligence tests. this doesn’t mean every woman has higher EQ than every man—it’s just a general trend across large groups.
IQ: no significant differences between sexes overall. but performance on specific tasks can vary depending on context.

how to cultivate EQ

golden question.

cultivating EQ is non-intuitive and difficult and if you ask Google or whatever to give you ideas, they generally seem fine but aren’t as easy to put into practice. wtf you mean reflect on my emotions?

for example, here is what it might spit out:

• reflect on your emotions and how they affect your actions (self-awareness).

• try to understand others’ perspectives (empathy).

• stay calm and flexible when things change (adaptability).

• focus on listening more than talking (relationship-building).

• look for solutions instead of problems (optimism).

this is all fine but doesn’t really resonate with me and maybe not for you either. I don’t have the answer today but it is something I’m thinking about considerably.

here is one way I’m thinking of “how to cultivate your EQ”:

number #1:

say you experience a novel and/or strong emotion due to some event. the very standard response is to react, try to overcome it, and move on.

there’s a subtle difference between this (which doesn’t cultivate EQ)…and actually stopping and trying to mentally digest/sit with that emotion and prevent your instinctual reaction.

the fact of the matter is plenty of people have instincts and some of them are great and some of them are horrible. me, you, everyone. no one’s gut instincts are inherently wise, all the time, unless you have excellent judgement, which you either curated actively, or passively, or you are just built different.

there is so much commentary that “trust your gut instinct” and this holds true in many cases (!!!), but surely not all. if you have poorly trained instincts and bad judgement I don’t think sending it all the time is the best idea. it is likely more additive to battle your instinct in that moment and see if you can adjust your reaction. if you don’t, fine. if you do, fine as well.

I’d like to give an example. There are a group of people which feel bothered by small disturbances in their daily life. I call it Level 1 Stress (see tweet below). A plate drops. The train is running late. Your Airpods die on a call. You close the garage leaving your house and realize you forgot something. The most trivial insignificant inconveniences.

I’m in the camp that if these things bother you, you don’t have high EQ and it should be a wake-up call that you might benefit greatly from cultivating your EQ.

even having self-awareness of your own EQ, and even greater, getting to the desire that it can be improved and/or you should try to improve it, is a signal of at least average or above average EQ, so yes it is meta to say “work on your EQ” to a low EQ person. in the Dunning-Kruger neighborhood: paradox of not knowing what you don’t know. not in a bad way. you just are speaking in a language they can’t understand or don’t hear. this leads to painful and humbling moments in the beginning.

so if you are bothered by plates breaking, one version of you may say think “this is how I’m wired, it can’t be changed, and I will let it bother me forever” while another version of you is “wait, I am irrationally experiencing a reaction to this trivial event, and my life is in fact worse off, not better off, because of it. let me think about why I feel this way.”

it takes little time, is completely free, and basically only requires A SMALL AMOUNT of agency (i.e., effort) for huge gains later.

we can even grow this to be larger inconveinences, that probably affect more people, yet are still seemingly trivial. someone spills wine on you during a cocktail event or dinner.

for the record I’m not giving these examples because they’ve happened to me, but I feel confident they are good general examples that illustrate my point.

I also REALLY enjoy this description of “levels of hardship” and think just reviewing and marinating on these ideas can cultivate one’s EQ as well, because it gives perspective. there is definitely something there.

final thoughts

i’ll leave you with two questions:

1. why do you think we don’t discuss EQ as much as IQ?

2. if you wanted to start cultivating your EQ where would you start.

let me know what you think. I also have a bunch of extra $5 Starbucks giftcards so if you send something really interesting I’ll send you one: [email protected] 

• Learning Figma for design

  • Figma is a web application that helps people design things like computer and phone apps, or in other words, user interface/user experience designs (UI/UX). If you know a designer they’ve heard or used Figma.

    • I’m surprised how similar the Figma UI itself looks to how it did when it launched.

• Projects are moving along slowly but surely. Little progress every day!

• sort of thinking through risk and reward this week. there is a decision I’m going to see through in the near term that is medium risk but either potentially high reward or potentially low reward.

  Put one way, I’m betting $50 and I’ll either win $90 (total $140; 50% probability) or lose $50 (end up with $0; 50% probability).

  • My expected value is $20, and so one wouldn’t make this bet consistently, but it is likely worth it on a one-time go.

  • It also feels like the payout will be way more than $90 (in some weird abstract way) and so for non-mathematical reasons I am also incentivized to take this risk.

• music of the week

‘Til next time,

Vishal